(PERSONAL BLOG)

I’m hoping that this blog doesn’t come across as preachy, but to make a point and explain my own journey…

I”ve been upper middle class, then poor, then middle class again, and now poor again…

My family lived in an exclusive neighborhood (for the wealthier folks of my small town) and belonged to the country club.  My Mom had a 100 outfits with shoes to match. My Dad had a Piper Cherokee airplane.  I didn’t know hunger but I did know ridicule (my Mom asked neighbors for their daughter’s used clothing and I was made fun of for wearing those clothes).

After the divorce was when I experienced the first pain of poverty–I remember my Mom putting crackers on a plate and pouring cheese soup over it for my dinner.  I remember looking at her in disbelief.  We had always had meat with our meals.  It was only the beginning of what was to come, but I’ll move along…

After a few years of marriage, I moved back into middle class status.  We could have easily paid off our mortgage with the money in the bank.  Money was no problem.

The sting of poverty had led me to believe that I could be happy again…if only I had the same status and money as I had before my folks’ divorce…

…but once I had money, with the marriage an unhappy one, I had to ask myself the age-old question of whether I was happy–whether money had brought me true happiness…

And the answer was “no”.

I came to realize that all the money and material things in the world would not have solved the situation.  I was empty inside in more ways than one…

This was the tiny spark that sent me on my current path and journey.

Joan Borysenko’s book, A Woman’s Book of Life was one of the first books I read as I started along my path–it reexamines the perception of women as weaker and inferior and what society values in them and in men.  It’s been a looong time since I read it, so forgive the memory, but I came away from the book with seeing the world being divided into folks who value culture (masculine) and folks who value nature (feminine).  What I remember is that the world was out of balance–we had tipped way too far to the masculine (war, material things) and away from the feminine (peace, life, birth, natural life).

We value the material above almost everything else.  And as I looked around me, I noticed that those who valued material things held less value for humanity and nature–the more that someone gathered material things around them, the less connected to humanity they were (Mitt Romney comes to mind as an example).

When I lost my house, I started giving away furniture that I couldn’t take with me.  It wasn’t as difficult as it would have been before starting on this path…but still there were twinges.  As I adjusted, however, I realized that there were just a few items that I truly treasured–that I liked for my own use, not for show

…and then they were stolen from a storage unit in the small town I had moved to after the foreclosure.   I thought that I had progressed, and truly wanted just the few items I had left…but yet I wondered why this stuff had been stolen.  It’s hard sometimes, but I truly believe that the bad stuff that happens is meant to help one learn and to grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

Only going through trials does one become mature.  And confident.

…which leads one back to the questions of material things.  I came to the conclusion along the path that if you’re buying something to impress others–a fancy car, a huge house, a boat, etc., you’re deep into the insecurity mode.  You’re not buying this item because it brings you happiness, but rather, you’re trying to fill some hole of doubt.  If you can just fill that hole, you will be secure and confident and others will think highly of you.

But as I discovered when I had money and status, it didn’t fill that hole, that longing, that connectedness.

I had to take that journey through trials…long, painful, lonely trials that taught me to unlearn all that I had been taught.

I had to go my own way, which caused confusion in others who did not accept it.  Others who do not ask “why?” are intimidated by others that do ask.  They will do whatever they can to stop that person from going forward.  As someone once told me, others attach “strings ” to you to keep you “in your place”.  They want you to be what they think you should be, and if you’re not, they can’t deal with that…

..and if you’re courageous, you’ll recognize it and move forward along your path, anyway…